Mental Health Awareness Month: Unspoken Adoptee Stressors — Part 1: The Ghost Kingdoms
Adoptees, their loved ones, and mental health
Adoptees and their loved ones often face a unique set of mental health challenges that can affect their everyday lives, relationship, and experiences. As part of Mental Health Awareness Month we are addressing three unspoken stressors that often affect adoptees and their loved ones: The Ghost Kingdoms, The Weight of the Narrative, and Adoptee Loyalty and the Push and Pull of Belonging. First up…Ghost Kingdoms.
What is a Ghost Kingdom?
Everyone has a life, or more than one life, in their head that they could have lived. These alternative lives are referred to as “ghost kingdoms.” In most of our fantasies, there are idealized, perfect lives. For non-adoptees, this might be that sprawling farm in the country with a host of animals. Or just the opposite, the life in the large city where they go to the theater, museums, and eat at fancy restaurants every night.
For adoptees and their loved ones these are much more complex, and don’t always have "positive" and perfect connotations. For an adoptee, it’s often the life they would have lived with their birth family. Or the life they would have lived if they had grown up in an orphanage, in foster care, or with another adoptive family.
For some adoptive parents, it’s the life that would have happened if they had biological children. Or chosen not to raise children.
For birth families, it’s the life that they would have lived if they raised their child. The complexities of these ghost kingdoms in the adoption community often require processing at a greater level.
How to Process Ghost Kingdoms
Sarah Kurtzan, Ties Senior Program Manager and adoption competent therapist says, “Acknowledge the ghost kingdoms you have, allow yourself, and those adoptees and loved ones that surround you, to grieve the life you would have lived. Let yourself dream about it and allow any sadness to occur and then let it pass.” Acknowledging could look like journaling, writing stories, making music, painting, or a wide variety of other creative endeavors. Some people need to see their thoughts physically in the world; others might need a space to talk through their possible life stories with a good trusted friend, support person, or therapist.
These kingdoms are often going to crop up around challenging times and experiences. They can also lead to very healing experiences, if they are brought to the surface and worked through, rather than ignored.
Ghost Kingdoms and Heritage Travel
On Ties trips adoptees and their loved ones often get to see and confront their ghost kingdoms. As they drive down a road, they see homes they maybe would have lived in or they are sharing a meal with families of their country and culture of origin (in Kazakhstan, Guatemala, and Korea this is often through cooking classes). For some Chinese adoptees they may experience a ghost kingdom when visiting their orphanage or foster family. To assist adoptees and their loved ones in not just experiencing these ghost kingdom's, Ties trips provide processing of them through our Connect & Chat (adoptee-only sharing spaces) and Talk Times (sharing spaces for adult loved ones traveling), one-on-one conversations with our expert team, and participant to participant conversations.
Kazakhstan Ties 2024 - Lunch with A Local Family in A Traditional Yurt
This seeing of the life they (or their loved one could have lived) on heritage trips often leads to healing experiences. Not necessarily that their current life is better, but that there is a more concrete context of what life could have looked like. After trips, adoptees and their loved ones often remark they feel a sense of peace, having seen what their lives may have looked like.
In recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, we want to highlight the importance of caring for your emotional well-being. Healing and exploration are deeply personal—and it's okay to seek help along the way. If you find yourself needing support, please know you're not alone. We encourage you to explore our Adoptee Resources and our Family Resources for tools, support, and connection tailored to your journey.
